A month ago I submitted to be a staff writer for The Colbert Report. It was a dream job, but I’ve come to accept the fact that that dream has not come true. Maybe one day it will… Maybe one day it will. Do you hear me, STEPHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But in the meantime I thought I’d share with you some of the ideas I had for the show. They might feel dated. (Jeez, I hope they didn’t cover this stuff already!) If so, I blame my friend Greg who read through my submission packet and gave me some great notes. *
Folks, today some citizens feel it’s their right to videotape the abuses of law enforcement and post the footage to sites like YouTube for all to see. These quote unquote “citizen activists” think their actions are our first lines of defense against tyranny and the police state…which brings us to tonight’s Wørd: COPARAZZI. [Coparazzi]
Now, I’m sure many of you are familiar with the footage of Jack McKenna, a University of Maryland student, who, while celebrating Maryland’s victory over Duke in the 2010 NCAA basketball championship, was apparently thrown against a wall by riot police and beaten with batons. [What Was the Spread on That?]
Several students captured the footage with their iPhones, and though McKenna was originally charged with disorderly conduct [Being Bludgeoned-Off In Public], those charges were later dropped. And now McKenna is suing the police department for damages. [Glenn Close Is So Underrated]
Some say that if it weren’t for those iPhone videos, it would have been McKenna’s word against the police officers’. But today, with almost everyone armed with “democratized technology”—smart phones, Flip cams, and iPod cameras—[Tea Partiers Are Armed With Actual Arms] these types of important police/citizen dialogues are becoming a thing of the past. [Are They Still Making New Episodes of Cops?]
And these new technologies are only working to drive a bigger wedge between the police departments and the communities they protect. Because in some states it’s actually against the law to record any second party—even a police officer—without his consent. [“Can I film this for my reel, officer?”] In some cases you can face up to 10 years in prison for doing so. [On Full Scholarship]
Of course, the police are public servants, paid with taxpayer dollars, and are given extraordinary power and authority—and are permitted to videotape us [Mostly Without Our Shirts On], which makes it even more important that we protect them from our celebrity-gossip obsessed lenses. [You’re Not Going Anywhere, Lindsay Lohan]
The job is tough enough for our country’s bravest and finest, without them having to worry that every time they infringe on someone’s constitutional rights, they’re being recorded and might have to account for it. [Steven Seagal: Lawman, You Are Not “Above The Law”]
Some will argue that the same technology that protects citizens from bad cops also protects cops from citizens who file false complaints. But we all know that the real intention of Coparazzi—like all forms of paparazzi—is to find the best among us at their most vulnerable and to embarrass them. [“Ignoring Your Fourth Amendment Rights Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You”]
But in the end the cuff’s on us. [Play the clip from The Pope of Greenwich Village where Eric Roberts yells, “The cop shit his pants!”] And that’s tonight’s Wørd.
Tonight’s “Tip of the Hat” goes to Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute, which, in a new study, found that “high doses of antioxidant nutritional supplements, such as vitamins C and E, can increase genetic abnormalities in cells, which may predispose supplement-takers to developing cancer.”
Nation, you know I’ve worked long and hard to expose the Antioxidant lobby in this country and its unholy crusade against our free radicals. Over the years, I’ve led patriots to uncover the sources of the lobby’s funding. All traces have led back to the Acai Berry Cartel of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
[INSERT: Picture of people in their underwear cutting cocaine.]
The A.B.C. started out small, working with alternative health peddlers and organic-food hustlers, but it wasn’t until they joined forces with Oprah—or as she’s known on the streets of Rio, A Rainha do Açaí—that they were able to flood the refrigerators and cabinets of our most upper-class cities with their filthy berry.
Now, I’ve been forthcoming about my own history of addiction to Sweet Purple. I’ve spoken about my seven-gallon-a-day habit and the soul-shattering diarrhea that came with it. But I’m clean now. I’ve got my life back. And it’s all thanks to my Anti-antioxidant diet: five small meals a day of processed meats, hydrogenated oils, plutonium shavings, and other delicious carcinogens. And though I’ve clogged my arteries, slowed the beating of my heart, and most likely cut my life-expectancy in half, at least I know that my radicals are free, my oxidants are pro, and my stool is dark.
My “Wag of the Finger” goes to Canadian poet Christian Bök who plans to use a string of nucleotides to encode a poem directly into the DNA of the bacteria Deinococcus radiodurans. It’s Bök’s hope that the bacteria will reproduce more bacteria equipped with the poem. And should the mad Canuck succeed, it’s quite possible that this race of extremophilic bards will outlive our very own human race.
Nation, you know I’m no fan of poetry, especially when it tries to cheat oblivion. There’s simply nothing good that can come of this. Why would you want poetry to live on forever? No one reads it now. And giving hope to the idea that a poet’s stanzas will outlive this mortal coil will only embolden 13-year-old girls to pick up biochemistry kits, so they can rape unwilling bacteria with their love poems about the Jonas Brothers.
And what if the bacteria start writing their own poetry? Who’s going to fit the bill for THEIR $160,000 Liberal Arts degree from Sarah Lawrence? Unemployment for bacteria is well over 15%, and an influx of single-celled freshmen unable to pay for college will only put greater strain on our economy.
Now, I too have “immortal longings in me,” but I prefer to fulfill them, not through the written word, but through my very own Formula 401 Premium Manseed. Order now, before supplies go gently into that good night.
Guest Idea w/ Five Questions
Dana White – President of the Ultimate Fighting Championship
Stephen is prone to repeat the talking points of the opponents of Mixed Martial Arts, but more than anything he’s uncomfortable watching men get that close in a cage.
Questions:
- I have to admit, sir, I am not a fan of your sport. I’m not a fan of putting men in cages, unless those cages have tops to them—that way, the men can’t climb out. Now men fighting in a cage—that sounds a lot like “human cockfighting.” What happens to the loser in your sport—is he beheaded, plucked, and then served for dinner by my Puerto Rican super, Manuel?
- The sport of Mixed Martial Arts—and the UFC—are currently banned in 25 states, and you’re looking to change that. Why are you trying to force your lifestyle choice on good Americans and their families?
- How do you respond to the critics of Ultimate Fighting who say the sport is dangerous? I mean, fighters risk head trauma, broken bones, and having to explain to their families that they’ve submitted to another man’s caresses.
- You’re a controversial figure in the sports world. Some have claimed you’re only interested in profiting off the sickest form of human curiosity, while others think you’re leading the charge of the fastest-growing sport in the world. But do you ever think you’re so controversial—so vitriolic—because you’re trying to make up for the fact that your name is “Dana”?
- There’s a rivalry between MMA and boxing, which they call the “sweet science.” What’s your problem with “science”? [They might reach a common ground here, because Stephen is not a fan of science.]
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* Reading through this again, I see a bunch of changes I would like to make. But I’m not going to do that. I banged this stuff out in one morning and its afternoon. So I’m proud of it. Do you hear me, STEPHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
